Fear and......more fear

I am finding myself at a crossroads of a sort. Quite a bit has happened since my previous post...

I started a new job at an ambulance service recently. I am currently in orientation. Orientation consists of two weeks of in-class time, followed by two weeks of street experience, followed by two more weeks in the classroom then back out on the streets.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't totally terrified about this. Day in and day out, people come into our class and talk to us about the things we should and should not do, namely emphasizing the what we should not do. Normally this would be a non-issue for me but I don't really appreciate having people that are beyond burned out on their jobs coming in telling me how to do my job because that is the way they do it. I'm sorry sirs, but with all due respect, bullshit. I am calling you sirs out on it. Granted this does not speak of everyone within the organization, but if you are going to tell me how to do my job because that is how you do it, at least make sure you are true to your word. For example, it's one thing to have someone tell you to treat your patients with the utmost respect and dignity regardless of who they are, what they did, etc. I have it on pretty good word that these people do not treat all of their patients with the best of dignity and that they have even been physically aggressive with their patients. In fact, I also have it on pretty good word that one of these people hasn't even seen the inside of an ambulance in quite some time.

When I say that I am terrified, I really mean that I am fucking terrified. What I do or do not do has an extreme set of consequences. The idea of driving an ambulance is scary when you hear horror stories about ambulance vs. private vehicle collisions and how you can lose your job, especially when you are an at-will employee and are not protected by the formal grievance process. It's also scary to hear that if you don't do certain things properly you can be sued...not the ambulance company, the provider. The provider can also face jail time for certain things as well.

Basically, long story short, all I have been hearing is about how you can hurt yourself, how you can die, how you can ruin someones life or your own life, how you can go to jail or lose your job or your livelihood. I am excited but nervous and scared out of my mind!

One month out

One month out from my previous post, quite a bit has happened in my "professional" life. Here's a little rundown on what's up.

I not only graduated from the University, but they also sent me my second degree in the mail. It's pretty rad, except that I need a diploma frame for that one as well, so it is still sitting in its original envelope.

I also began Phase II of Intermediate training. This phase consists of going out to clinical sites (local ER's) and performing patient assessments, starting IV's and administering medications (at certain places). So far, so good I think. I did have one patient try to fight me when he was forcefully awoken from his drug-induced self-coma. There are set minimums of what needs to be accomplished in Phase II and I am worried I might not be able to. Yeah, so one student already has met the minimum requirements, but this student also works at one of the clinical sites as part of his day job, so I wonder how much they have really completed. I didn't want to bring this up to the instructor, but I really wanted to. For all I know, they could be pencil-whipping paperwork. They have the means and the motivation to do so.

Aside from my pining about Phase II, it seems I have a lead on a new job. This is at an ambulance service, and it the ideal ambulance service of the two services locally based. This service is nationally recognized as a leader and innovator in EMS. Employment standards at this service are really high, as they expect the best people to give their absolute best to ensure the service continues to be one of the best around. My new job is conditional on passing background checks and a physical examination. I am worried about the physical examination because I do have a heart condition that may be detected during the cardiac stress test portion of the exam.

There isn't much more for me to say. I am still pretty damn confused on life and where to go from here. I am perpetually dissatisfied with life and I have no idea where I should go from here. I know a change needs to be made, but I am not sure what type of change needs to be made. Do I relocate? Do I change jobs (working on it)? Do I do something else? The answers are hard to come by and they likely always will be. It's like driving down the highway late at night when it's difficult to see to begin with, and you suddenly hit a patch of thick fog. You aren't sure where you are going but you keep moving forward because you have to.

Only time will tell what changes, if any, will occur and if they are the right ones to make.

A Confession of Sorts

I've been doing some reading lately and I feel that there is something I need to confess about myself. Personally, I don't think it's good or bad, but the fact that I have not told a single person about this in the four years it has gone on leads me to finally come out of the woodwork, so to speak.

Four years ago, I agreed to become a Research Assistant (RA) in the Psychology Department at UNM. I agreed to, as the title states, assist in the research activities of Masters, Doctoral, Post-Doc students, and Professors in the Department. While I technically "belonged" to a consortium of three professors and their affiliated students, I was primarily assigned to one female Doctoral student the vast majority of the time.

The reason why I decided to become an RA was not just because of the "easy" upper-level course credit, but also because at that time I was beginning to fall out of love with Psychology, my chosen field of study at the time. I wanted to be more actively involved in the Department with the intent of using the experience as a career exploration opportunity, the intent of learning more about my field, and ultimately deciding whether or not this was a field worth pursuing graduate coursework in, and if so, to what degree and in what concentration.

As I met with this very attractive female student, she explained to me that she was an aspiring Evolutionary Psychologist. For those of you that may not be familiar with what that means, it means (in a nutshell) that she was interested in how our evolutionary processes have shaped our behaviors and whether or not these behaviors are acquired externally (like, say, the way we learn how to ride a bike or how to swim), or if they are innate (meaning that we are born with them and they come to us automatically, possibly of genetic origin). Her research focused primarily on dating habits. She wanted to know what processes are at play when we scope out potential dates and, to that extent, mating partners. She wanted to know if some of the same mechanisms that are present in other mammals and other animals as a whole exist in humans and, if so, to what degree.

The bulk of her research (and her doctoral thesis) centered on kin recognition. Most other animals have systems built in that allows them to recognize their own siblings. This apparently works best if all offspring share the same set of parents and are reared together for a long enough period of time. Recognition occurs via, of all things, smell. Whether or not this mechanism exists in humans has been contentious for quite some time. Some studies suggest it does while others suggest no such system exists in humans. It's crazy to think that I worked on this study for an entire year and I have yet to actually read the write up I worked on. I know it's listed in a book now, but have yet to actually pick it up.

The other big concentration of her research focused on mate selection. A facet of basic evolutionary theory tells us that certain genetic traits indicate mate fitness, which can translate into successful reproduction as well as healthy offspring. Genes that have higher fitness indicators are likely to be passed on to future generations in comparison to traits that indicate non-ideal fitness, which eventually should be removed from the gene pool. Specifically, we examined schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is typically considered to be more of a recessive gene and a recessive trait, however that is technically not entirely true. Schizophrenia genes and the trait itself is not considered to be entirely recessive, nor is it dominate as well. It kind of is in limbo. This itself is a point of contention in neuroscience today (I would lean towards it being more recessive than dominant). So, if schizophrenia were more of a recessive gene, why is it still so prevalent in society? One explanation is that some of the traits associated with schizophrenic behavior can be manifested as being creative or having unique intellectual potential (think of the movie "A Beautiful Mind"). Potential partners may find this to be attractive, which would result in increased dating and mating opportunities.

Lastly, we also examined overall mate selection trends. We were interested in determining what people consider to be "attractive". To get a better idea of what types of people in the area were looking for a partner, my GA and I both signed up for accounts on a dating site, and we browsed profiles to see what our potential sample would look like prior to recruiting subjects for our study. We ended up abandoning this project because of an assortment of problems in recruiting subjects and defining what variables we were hoping to measure, as well as not having as clear of a definition of desired outcomes as we desired to have.

She deleted her account but I ended up keeping mine. I was interested in finding out what the dating population was like outside of the typical "realm" of dating (being bars, gyms, coffee shops....places you can think of where you would go to pick up a man or a woman). The general consensus is that people find the internet to be a safer place for finding a date. Because there is no face-to-face component present when you initiate contact with someone, people are much more at ease and more willing to open up about themselves. However, this clearly has its setbacks. Because the initial face-to-face component is missing, people are at greater liberty to misrepresent themselves. They can misrepresent what they look like, their gender, their interests, etc. We are forced to take these people for their word (however, the same is true in a face-to-face interaction). Internet dating also allows people to be more selective. Whereas in a face-to-face encounter, someone must initiate contact and the other person can either engage you in a conversation or flat out reject you, online dating gives you the option of choosing whether or not to even engage someone in a conversation. In summary, internet dating has less of a risk for participants, thereby possibly sparing their feelings.

I was more interested in what people that choose to engage in internet dating are like. What personality traits do they possess? What about them drives them to use internet dating sites? So, I ended up doing an unofficial study of sorts. I kept my profile on this dating site but I rewrote it. I was as honest as I felt I could possibly be. I did disclose that I had started the profile as part of a research experience, but I did not state that I was still doing research.

Considering the fact that there was no official protocol drawn up, nor was there a clear definition of what parameters I was looking for nor how I would classify what I found, there was no real way of officially stating what I found. What I did end up with, aside from an ex-girlfriend, a fling, and a few friends, are the following:
-People are drawn to internet dating largely because it is considered to be safe from an emotional point; however since the potential for misrepresentation is much greater there than in a face-to-face encounter, there is a considerable risk, especially for personal safety.
-The other big reason why people are drawn to internet dating is due to convenience. Some people may have children or careers that prevent them from going out much and meeting people via traditional avenues, such as at a bar or other social setting.
-Because of the lack of an initial face-to-face interaction, people are more willing to be open about themselves, their interests, etc. This tends to lend itself towards some interesting conversations.
-Looks do indeed matter, even in cyber dating. No one will readily admit to this, however the number of contacts and profile views can speak for themselves.
-In my interactions, the majority of the people that choose to engage in internet dating do so because of some major insecurity about themselves. They may feel unattractive due to a poor self image or from previous experiences. This ties into the "safety" factor. This isn't always readily apparent, however, and only manifests itself after substantial conversation with a person.
-Perfectly normal people also engage in internet dating.
-People with a high self-esteem tend to be more choosy with who they choose to talk to, which likely translates into being selective about who they end up meeting and dating.


All in all, this has been an interesting four year long experience. Who knows what I will end up doing with that profile. Maybe I'll keep it, in case I decide to do a legitimate study on this someday.

The light-bulb moment

It's been over a month since I last wrote in here. Unfortunately, not much has happened since then.

I still basically hate my job, but I am working on hating it less and less each day. I think I make this job as miserable as I want to, but there are obviously days where shit just hits the fan and it's totally out of my hands. These days are becoming increasingly frequent as of late.

It's hard because I would like a job in the Healthcare sector, which is my eventual career goal. However, the economy sucks and the jobs I would like are pretty sparse to begin with, and are almost impossible to get because everyone else I know applies for them thereby increasing my competition, or they are out of my reach because I do not yet have the appropriate licensing and credentials.

I just hate feeling like my job doesn't matter, which I have recently discovered it does not. I hate the fact that I do a ridiculous amount of work for what amounts to next to nothing. There are days where I go home and am literally too physically tired to even eat. All I want to do is go home and pass out on the bed and not wake up for several days. I hate the fact that I am basically a peon and people just piss on me because they know they can, and because I can't do anything about it. I hate the fact that I work really hard to get things to an acceptable level only to see it all get destroyed hours later.

While I am annoyed by this and have started looking for a job, I ask myself a scary question: what happens if I hate my new job? What do I do then? Do I just deal with that job or do I contemplate walking away? I wish there was a way I could just give things a "trial run" without committing to them 100%. Unfortunately, life does not really work that way, and I must face the repercussions of my decisions whatever they may be.

It's hard for me to put my thoughts down on a computer screen and make it all seem cohesive, but nonetheless here we go.

There has been an awful lot on my mind recently. I keep finding myself at this point in life where I am kind of bored with where my life is going and wonder if there is something wrong with me. The jury is still out on that one.

I started my current job three months ago and unfortunately I am disappointed with what it has become. I was excited to begin this new "adventure" in life and ever since it began, I have become increasingly disappointed with what it really is. The people I work with all seem(ed) to be pretty cool, however as fate would have it that too ended up being a disappointment. I am nothing more than a glorified Lab TA. I am grossly underemployed, but while I gripe about my underemployment I try to find solace in the fact that it's much better to be underemployed that not employed at all. I sometimes wonder if that really is true. Is it better to be stuck at a job where you are bored, feel like you don't fit in with anyone and are doing tasks that may or may not fall out of your realm of daily tasks than to be unemployed?

Part of the problem lies in the fact that I am the first person this Department has hired for this position. As a result, the official job description was written vague enough so that there is no clear definition of what is expected of me, so long as it can be justified that it "meets the educational needs of the Department and the School". This means that I could commit murder and would be OK, so long as it can be justified as being educational. This can be both good and bad. It is good because who doesn't like being the Trailblazer, the one that did it first and set precedent for all those that come after? However, it can also be negative because since there is no clearly defined set of rules, expectations, or even duties, you have no idea what you are doing and can actually leave yourself open to professional harm.

I care about my field and I care about doing good--nay, great--work. I take pride in knowing that I've done the best I can and still try to exceed that benchmark. When I first arrived here, I set out to do the best possible job I could do. Not really knowing what to expect, I continued doing just that: my absolute best. I made an attempt at setting the bar really high. I wonder if that may have been my undoing. By setting the bar high, did I create an unrealistic expectation of always performing at an exceedingly high level? Did I create the illusion that I would always be busy and have a substantial amount of work to do? Does sometimes sitting around because there isn't much to do promote the idea of me being flaky, unreliable, and outright incompetent? Does my way of prioritizing, which may or may not line up with other people's priorities, promote the idea of me not caring about my (or other people's) work?

These are some of the issues I grapple with on a daily basis. It has moved to the point where I worry about my professionalism and future job prospects once I move on from this position. All of the faculty members of this department maintain contacts with other people-to-know in various places within my field. My field is very small: everyone knows everyone else. That's just the way this field is. On top of that, people talk. That's just the way people are. One negative comment about me by someone here to someone in Place B can result in limited employment or advancement opportunities.

There is also that issue: the faculty. My Department is very small: there are a grand total of 5 full-time faculty members. These 5 people do the work of at least 10 people. We also have a large number of part-time faculty. These are people that work in the field but come in on their days off and offer to mentor and guide the students in this field, such as myself. I feel very out of place here. Faculty don't really talk to me unless they need something. In fact, they don't even talk to me when something is wrong, instead choosing to go to higher levels in the chain of command. This action only serves to make things big-or-small a lot bigger than they really need to be. It's pretty embarrassing when an Assistant Dean has to drive across town to "discipline" you for something relatively minor when they could have just picked up the phone or e-mailed you. Better yet, the person in your Department that had an issue with you could have just told you personally rather than making a huge deal about it.

Anyway, I feel out of place here because I don't think I connect with the full-time faculty very well. They all sit in one room while I sit in another. I have no experience in the field, while the youngest and newest faculty member has been in the field since they were in college almost a decade ago. I also am not quite up to their level in training (but am working on it). I only got into this field last year and am still trying to break through. I don't really connect with our Work-Study student simply because even though we are both of similar age, we are at different places in life and are heading in different directions. If I connect with anyone, it would probably be with the part-time faculty. Even then, out of the 15-or-so part-time people, I can readily identify three people I connect with.

In giving this a lot of thought, I don't think this job and I are compatible. Either I am not the right person for this job, or this job is not right for me. It's hard because I came into this job with so much excitement and hope that maybe I disappointed myself by forming this grand illusion of what was to come. It's also hard because this is my first, real full-time job complete with benefits. This is technically the third job I have had this year. It's only been about three months. I'm sitting here proctoring a final exam, which is cool because it's the first exam I have proctored here: however the program director had this weird look on his face when he came in, almost as if to say "What the hell are you doing?". I feel very out of place here. I feel like people both in my Department and within the College as a whole do not take me seriously. I may be new still and I may only be 25, but that in no way should indicate that I am not professional or competent or that I do not deserve people's full attention and respect. Last time I checked, I was just as qualified for my position as they are for theirs.

In writing this long post, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it's time for me to seek out other opportunities, and have already done so. It's unfortunate because I do care about my field and about my program, even if those involved may believe otherwise. It's also unfortunate because I unofficially committed to one year at this position: however there was no contract or memorandum of understanding ever drawn up or signed, so I am basically an at-will employee. This means that aside from the possibility of burning bridges, there would be no serious ramifications resulting from my departure. It would probably create a lot of awkwardness, however, seeing as I am also a student in the program. I suppose this might mean me having to continue my education in this field at a different training institution.

In time, things will be ok. I just have to get to that point.

END OF COLLEGE!

I am done with college! Two Bachelor's degrees are now under my belt: hooray!

If I had to give this a title, what would it be?

I meant to write in here yesterday, but academia sometimes has that nasty tendency of getting in the way of things you actually want to do....

While I still feel slightly bored with my life, I should mention that I am not expecting overnight changes to make life more thrilling. There are right ways to make life more exciting, and there are really bad ways to do that as well.

Even though school will be wrapping up in the next week or so, it really does not feel that way...aside from all the things I have to do between now and then. I am making headway on that, however there is still a bit to go.

I think continuing my EMS studies this summer will help make life a little more exciting. Moving from EMT-B to EMT-I is not that big of a jump (since there tends to be a large amount of overlap) but it does open the door to a bunch of other cool things you can do....like give more drugs and giving them intravenously. Clinicals in the fall will be pretty cool too, but I don't know about spending 12-hour shifts in the back of an ambulance or an ER. Personally I think that, currently, I prefer the ER over an ambulance. However, there is something about driving really fast with lights and sirens on that is somewhat thrilling. At times I think I want to be a fire fighter, however the only real reason why I would want to do that would be to drive the fire truck, and apparently in some areas you have to earn the rank of "Driver". Running into burning buildings is not quite my thing.

Starting a new job over a month ago also helped make things a little more exciting. For a good portion of that first month, I was really busy helping my department prepare for an important visit and for final exams, but now that both of those milestones have passed, things are not as hectic and I can go at a slightly easy pace.

I guess the gist of my story here is that, while I may not be entirely happy with my life, I am not sure how much I would change. There is also a lot up ahead that I am not entirely sure how (and even if) I will deal with it. There is a lot that I need to think about within the coming weeks and months.

This isn't my first attempt at a blog and something tells me it won't be the last. I think part of the reason why I decide to do these things is because sometimes there are some things you just can't talk about. You have these thoughts running through your head at the speed of light and you either need to put them down somewhere, or you want to talk to someone about them, but for whatever reason you find yourself unable to do so.

I think the one big thing I want to throw out there is that I am finding myself increasingly bored with my life. Day in and day out, I do pretty much the same thing. I wake up, get dressed, go to work or school, do my thing there, and come home. Now, there is nothing wrong with stability, but sometimes falling into a stable routine can be just as damaging as being in uncertainty.

This isn't the first time I find myself here: in fact, it seems like I keep coming back to this place, and it usually tends to occur during the warmer months. Maybe I feel that with every Spring I need to undergo some sort of reawakening as well. Who knows.

Graduating from college (again) is starting to evoke some of the same feelings it did last time. There is a sense of sadness at the closing of one phase of my life, however I am in a better place this time than I was the last time I graduated. I have a full-time job and a plan of where I am going next.

I'm sure I'll write more later...