It's hard for me to put my thoughts down on a computer screen and make it all seem cohesive, but nonetheless here we go.

There has been an awful lot on my mind recently. I keep finding myself at this point in life where I am kind of bored with where my life is going and wonder if there is something wrong with me. The jury is still out on that one.

I started my current job three months ago and unfortunately I am disappointed with what it has become. I was excited to begin this new "adventure" in life and ever since it began, I have become increasingly disappointed with what it really is. The people I work with all seem(ed) to be pretty cool, however as fate would have it that too ended up being a disappointment. I am nothing more than a glorified Lab TA. I am grossly underemployed, but while I gripe about my underemployment I try to find solace in the fact that it's much better to be underemployed that not employed at all. I sometimes wonder if that really is true. Is it better to be stuck at a job where you are bored, feel like you don't fit in with anyone and are doing tasks that may or may not fall out of your realm of daily tasks than to be unemployed?

Part of the problem lies in the fact that I am the first person this Department has hired for this position. As a result, the official job description was written vague enough so that there is no clear definition of what is expected of me, so long as it can be justified that it "meets the educational needs of the Department and the School". This means that I could commit murder and would be OK, so long as it can be justified as being educational. This can be both good and bad. It is good because who doesn't like being the Trailblazer, the one that did it first and set precedent for all those that come after? However, it can also be negative because since there is no clearly defined set of rules, expectations, or even duties, you have no idea what you are doing and can actually leave yourself open to professional harm.

I care about my field and I care about doing good--nay, great--work. I take pride in knowing that I've done the best I can and still try to exceed that benchmark. When I first arrived here, I set out to do the best possible job I could do. Not really knowing what to expect, I continued doing just that: my absolute best. I made an attempt at setting the bar really high. I wonder if that may have been my undoing. By setting the bar high, did I create an unrealistic expectation of always performing at an exceedingly high level? Did I create the illusion that I would always be busy and have a substantial amount of work to do? Does sometimes sitting around because there isn't much to do promote the idea of me being flaky, unreliable, and outright incompetent? Does my way of prioritizing, which may or may not line up with other people's priorities, promote the idea of me not caring about my (or other people's) work?

These are some of the issues I grapple with on a daily basis. It has moved to the point where I worry about my professionalism and future job prospects once I move on from this position. All of the faculty members of this department maintain contacts with other people-to-know in various places within my field. My field is very small: everyone knows everyone else. That's just the way this field is. On top of that, people talk. That's just the way people are. One negative comment about me by someone here to someone in Place B can result in limited employment or advancement opportunities.

There is also that issue: the faculty. My Department is very small: there are a grand total of 5 full-time faculty members. These 5 people do the work of at least 10 people. We also have a large number of part-time faculty. These are people that work in the field but come in on their days off and offer to mentor and guide the students in this field, such as myself. I feel very out of place here. Faculty don't really talk to me unless they need something. In fact, they don't even talk to me when something is wrong, instead choosing to go to higher levels in the chain of command. This action only serves to make things big-or-small a lot bigger than they really need to be. It's pretty embarrassing when an Assistant Dean has to drive across town to "discipline" you for something relatively minor when they could have just picked up the phone or e-mailed you. Better yet, the person in your Department that had an issue with you could have just told you personally rather than making a huge deal about it.

Anyway, I feel out of place here because I don't think I connect with the full-time faculty very well. They all sit in one room while I sit in another. I have no experience in the field, while the youngest and newest faculty member has been in the field since they were in college almost a decade ago. I also am not quite up to their level in training (but am working on it). I only got into this field last year and am still trying to break through. I don't really connect with our Work-Study student simply because even though we are both of similar age, we are at different places in life and are heading in different directions. If I connect with anyone, it would probably be with the part-time faculty. Even then, out of the 15-or-so part-time people, I can readily identify three people I connect with.

In giving this a lot of thought, I don't think this job and I are compatible. Either I am not the right person for this job, or this job is not right for me. It's hard because I came into this job with so much excitement and hope that maybe I disappointed myself by forming this grand illusion of what was to come. It's also hard because this is my first, real full-time job complete with benefits. This is technically the third job I have had this year. It's only been about three months. I'm sitting here proctoring a final exam, which is cool because it's the first exam I have proctored here: however the program director had this weird look on his face when he came in, almost as if to say "What the hell are you doing?". I feel very out of place here. I feel like people both in my Department and within the College as a whole do not take me seriously. I may be new still and I may only be 25, but that in no way should indicate that I am not professional or competent or that I do not deserve people's full attention and respect. Last time I checked, I was just as qualified for my position as they are for theirs.

In writing this long post, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it's time for me to seek out other opportunities, and have already done so. It's unfortunate because I do care about my field and about my program, even if those involved may believe otherwise. It's also unfortunate because I unofficially committed to one year at this position: however there was no contract or memorandum of understanding ever drawn up or signed, so I am basically an at-will employee. This means that aside from the possibility of burning bridges, there would be no serious ramifications resulting from my departure. It would probably create a lot of awkwardness, however, seeing as I am also a student in the program. I suppose this might mean me having to continue my education in this field at a different training institution.

In time, things will be ok. I just have to get to that point.