Fear and......more fear

I am finding myself at a crossroads of a sort. Quite a bit has happened since my previous post...

I started a new job at an ambulance service recently. I am currently in orientation. Orientation consists of two weeks of in-class time, followed by two weeks of street experience, followed by two more weeks in the classroom then back out on the streets.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't totally terrified about this. Day in and day out, people come into our class and talk to us about the things we should and should not do, namely emphasizing the what we should not do. Normally this would be a non-issue for me but I don't really appreciate having people that are beyond burned out on their jobs coming in telling me how to do my job because that is the way they do it. I'm sorry sirs, but with all due respect, bullshit. I am calling you sirs out on it. Granted this does not speak of everyone within the organization, but if you are going to tell me how to do my job because that is how you do it, at least make sure you are true to your word. For example, it's one thing to have someone tell you to treat your patients with the utmost respect and dignity regardless of who they are, what they did, etc. I have it on pretty good word that these people do not treat all of their patients with the best of dignity and that they have even been physically aggressive with their patients. In fact, I also have it on pretty good word that one of these people hasn't even seen the inside of an ambulance in quite some time.

When I say that I am terrified, I really mean that I am fucking terrified. What I do or do not do has an extreme set of consequences. The idea of driving an ambulance is scary when you hear horror stories about ambulance vs. private vehicle collisions and how you can lose your job, especially when you are an at-will employee and are not protected by the formal grievance process. It's also scary to hear that if you don't do certain things properly you can be sued...not the ambulance company, the provider. The provider can also face jail time for certain things as well.

Basically, long story short, all I have been hearing is about how you can hurt yourself, how you can die, how you can ruin someones life or your own life, how you can go to jail or lose your job or your livelihood. I am excited but nervous and scared out of my mind!

One month out

One month out from my previous post, quite a bit has happened in my "professional" life. Here's a little rundown on what's up.

I not only graduated from the University, but they also sent me my second degree in the mail. It's pretty rad, except that I need a diploma frame for that one as well, so it is still sitting in its original envelope.

I also began Phase II of Intermediate training. This phase consists of going out to clinical sites (local ER's) and performing patient assessments, starting IV's and administering medications (at certain places). So far, so good I think. I did have one patient try to fight me when he was forcefully awoken from his drug-induced self-coma. There are set minimums of what needs to be accomplished in Phase II and I am worried I might not be able to. Yeah, so one student already has met the minimum requirements, but this student also works at one of the clinical sites as part of his day job, so I wonder how much they have really completed. I didn't want to bring this up to the instructor, but I really wanted to. For all I know, they could be pencil-whipping paperwork. They have the means and the motivation to do so.

Aside from my pining about Phase II, it seems I have a lead on a new job. This is at an ambulance service, and it the ideal ambulance service of the two services locally based. This service is nationally recognized as a leader and innovator in EMS. Employment standards at this service are really high, as they expect the best people to give their absolute best to ensure the service continues to be one of the best around. My new job is conditional on passing background checks and a physical examination. I am worried about the physical examination because I do have a heart condition that may be detected during the cardiac stress test portion of the exam.

There isn't much more for me to say. I am still pretty damn confused on life and where to go from here. I am perpetually dissatisfied with life and I have no idea where I should go from here. I know a change needs to be made, but I am not sure what type of change needs to be made. Do I relocate? Do I change jobs (working on it)? Do I do something else? The answers are hard to come by and they likely always will be. It's like driving down the highway late at night when it's difficult to see to begin with, and you suddenly hit a patch of thick fog. You aren't sure where you are going but you keep moving forward because you have to.

Only time will tell what changes, if any, will occur and if they are the right ones to make.