A Confession of Sorts

I've been doing some reading lately and I feel that there is something I need to confess about myself. Personally, I don't think it's good or bad, but the fact that I have not told a single person about this in the four years it has gone on leads me to finally come out of the woodwork, so to speak.

Four years ago, I agreed to become a Research Assistant (RA) in the Psychology Department at UNM. I agreed to, as the title states, assist in the research activities of Masters, Doctoral, Post-Doc students, and Professors in the Department. While I technically "belonged" to a consortium of three professors and their affiliated students, I was primarily assigned to one female Doctoral student the vast majority of the time.

The reason why I decided to become an RA was not just because of the "easy" upper-level course credit, but also because at that time I was beginning to fall out of love with Psychology, my chosen field of study at the time. I wanted to be more actively involved in the Department with the intent of using the experience as a career exploration opportunity, the intent of learning more about my field, and ultimately deciding whether or not this was a field worth pursuing graduate coursework in, and if so, to what degree and in what concentration.

As I met with this very attractive female student, she explained to me that she was an aspiring Evolutionary Psychologist. For those of you that may not be familiar with what that means, it means (in a nutshell) that she was interested in how our evolutionary processes have shaped our behaviors and whether or not these behaviors are acquired externally (like, say, the way we learn how to ride a bike or how to swim), or if they are innate (meaning that we are born with them and they come to us automatically, possibly of genetic origin). Her research focused primarily on dating habits. She wanted to know what processes are at play when we scope out potential dates and, to that extent, mating partners. She wanted to know if some of the same mechanisms that are present in other mammals and other animals as a whole exist in humans and, if so, to what degree.

The bulk of her research (and her doctoral thesis) centered on kin recognition. Most other animals have systems built in that allows them to recognize their own siblings. This apparently works best if all offspring share the same set of parents and are reared together for a long enough period of time. Recognition occurs via, of all things, smell. Whether or not this mechanism exists in humans has been contentious for quite some time. Some studies suggest it does while others suggest no such system exists in humans. It's crazy to think that I worked on this study for an entire year and I have yet to actually read the write up I worked on. I know it's listed in a book now, but have yet to actually pick it up.

The other big concentration of her research focused on mate selection. A facet of basic evolutionary theory tells us that certain genetic traits indicate mate fitness, which can translate into successful reproduction as well as healthy offspring. Genes that have higher fitness indicators are likely to be passed on to future generations in comparison to traits that indicate non-ideal fitness, which eventually should be removed from the gene pool. Specifically, we examined schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is typically considered to be more of a recessive gene and a recessive trait, however that is technically not entirely true. Schizophrenia genes and the trait itself is not considered to be entirely recessive, nor is it dominate as well. It kind of is in limbo. This itself is a point of contention in neuroscience today (I would lean towards it being more recessive than dominant). So, if schizophrenia were more of a recessive gene, why is it still so prevalent in society? One explanation is that some of the traits associated with schizophrenic behavior can be manifested as being creative or having unique intellectual potential (think of the movie "A Beautiful Mind"). Potential partners may find this to be attractive, which would result in increased dating and mating opportunities.

Lastly, we also examined overall mate selection trends. We were interested in determining what people consider to be "attractive". To get a better idea of what types of people in the area were looking for a partner, my GA and I both signed up for accounts on a dating site, and we browsed profiles to see what our potential sample would look like prior to recruiting subjects for our study. We ended up abandoning this project because of an assortment of problems in recruiting subjects and defining what variables we were hoping to measure, as well as not having as clear of a definition of desired outcomes as we desired to have.

She deleted her account but I ended up keeping mine. I was interested in finding out what the dating population was like outside of the typical "realm" of dating (being bars, gyms, coffee shops....places you can think of where you would go to pick up a man or a woman). The general consensus is that people find the internet to be a safer place for finding a date. Because there is no face-to-face component present when you initiate contact with someone, people are much more at ease and more willing to open up about themselves. However, this clearly has its setbacks. Because the initial face-to-face component is missing, people are at greater liberty to misrepresent themselves. They can misrepresent what they look like, their gender, their interests, etc. We are forced to take these people for their word (however, the same is true in a face-to-face interaction). Internet dating also allows people to be more selective. Whereas in a face-to-face encounter, someone must initiate contact and the other person can either engage you in a conversation or flat out reject you, online dating gives you the option of choosing whether or not to even engage someone in a conversation. In summary, internet dating has less of a risk for participants, thereby possibly sparing their feelings.

I was more interested in what people that choose to engage in internet dating are like. What personality traits do they possess? What about them drives them to use internet dating sites? So, I ended up doing an unofficial study of sorts. I kept my profile on this dating site but I rewrote it. I was as honest as I felt I could possibly be. I did disclose that I had started the profile as part of a research experience, but I did not state that I was still doing research.

Considering the fact that there was no official protocol drawn up, nor was there a clear definition of what parameters I was looking for nor how I would classify what I found, there was no real way of officially stating what I found. What I did end up with, aside from an ex-girlfriend, a fling, and a few friends, are the following:
-People are drawn to internet dating largely because it is considered to be safe from an emotional point; however since the potential for misrepresentation is much greater there than in a face-to-face encounter, there is a considerable risk, especially for personal safety.
-The other big reason why people are drawn to internet dating is due to convenience. Some people may have children or careers that prevent them from going out much and meeting people via traditional avenues, such as at a bar or other social setting.
-Because of the lack of an initial face-to-face interaction, people are more willing to be open about themselves, their interests, etc. This tends to lend itself towards some interesting conversations.
-Looks do indeed matter, even in cyber dating. No one will readily admit to this, however the number of contacts and profile views can speak for themselves.
-In my interactions, the majority of the people that choose to engage in internet dating do so because of some major insecurity about themselves. They may feel unattractive due to a poor self image or from previous experiences. This ties into the "safety" factor. This isn't always readily apparent, however, and only manifests itself after substantial conversation with a person.
-Perfectly normal people also engage in internet dating.
-People with a high self-esteem tend to be more choosy with who they choose to talk to, which likely translates into being selective about who they end up meeting and dating.


All in all, this has been an interesting four year long experience. Who knows what I will end up doing with that profile. Maybe I'll keep it, in case I decide to do a legitimate study on this someday.

The light-bulb moment

It's been over a month since I last wrote in here. Unfortunately, not much has happened since then.

I still basically hate my job, but I am working on hating it less and less each day. I think I make this job as miserable as I want to, but there are obviously days where shit just hits the fan and it's totally out of my hands. These days are becoming increasingly frequent as of late.

It's hard because I would like a job in the Healthcare sector, which is my eventual career goal. However, the economy sucks and the jobs I would like are pretty sparse to begin with, and are almost impossible to get because everyone else I know applies for them thereby increasing my competition, or they are out of my reach because I do not yet have the appropriate licensing and credentials.

I just hate feeling like my job doesn't matter, which I have recently discovered it does not. I hate the fact that I do a ridiculous amount of work for what amounts to next to nothing. There are days where I go home and am literally too physically tired to even eat. All I want to do is go home and pass out on the bed and not wake up for several days. I hate the fact that I am basically a peon and people just piss on me because they know they can, and because I can't do anything about it. I hate the fact that I work really hard to get things to an acceptable level only to see it all get destroyed hours later.

While I am annoyed by this and have started looking for a job, I ask myself a scary question: what happens if I hate my new job? What do I do then? Do I just deal with that job or do I contemplate walking away? I wish there was a way I could just give things a "trial run" without committing to them 100%. Unfortunately, life does not really work that way, and I must face the repercussions of my decisions whatever they may be.